Swine Nine Flu For You.

In all this chaos, the global 'pandemic' called the Swine Flu has created quite a stir. More of a stir than the Mrs. USA pageant contestant that denounced Gay Marriage on Live television, then found it necessary to start an anti-gay marriage group in Washington D.C. (that's another topic for another day, back to flu wu). A man sneezed on me on the train today, and it got me thinking: If the Swine Flu were to create a resume or have an agenda, what would it entail? Let's recap.

Mutate from original swine influenza (Check)
Infect Pig Handler in Mexico (Check)
Take Over Mexico (Check)
Travel to the United States on a Vacation across American Tour (Check)
Cause Mass Hysteria that Closes Schools and Causes People to Wear Masks like SARS is back in Style (Double Check)
Hitchhike to Europe on Unsuspecting Travelers (Check)
Cause a Global Pandemic (Check Mate)

Maybe this part of my fear or my grieving process to make a joke out of something "so serious" (as a co-worker told me), but I can not help but wonder why everyone is making such a big deal over this. You have a better chance of dying from the regular flu strain than even contracting Swine Flu. Hand sanitizer only works for so long and does not kill most viruses. Might as well lick the hand of a stranger than use that stuff. Not that we should all lick the hands of strangers, unless you are into that thing, then by all means, lick it like a lollipop (have I mentioned my hatred for that 'Lil' Wayne song?).

I almost wish the swine flu would pick me for a host. I will gladly take you into my house, let you destroy my white blood cells and cause my stomach to curdle and a fever to ensue my insides. I need to get warm somehow. I can imagine what it would be like contracting Swine Flu. This is how I imagine it would be:
The swine flu enters my nasal cavity and then my body. I walk around unknowingly infecting other people by touching and be touched. I then start to feel the symptoms some odd days later, and brush it off as allergies. The fever sets in, I start to tremble and wake Zachary up by stating "It picked me, can you believe it?" I then pass out only to wake up in the emergency room hooked up to an I.V. of fluids and Tamiflu. In the meantime, the laboratory tests and confirms the Swine Flu in my system, the doctors alert the proper authorities. I get sent home from the hospital with a prescription for rest and some fluids. A Chicago Tribune reporter calls my phone a day later to ask if he can interview me for the paper. I accept, and we talk on the phone for an hour or so. The next day, Zachary brings me a copy of the paper home, and I see my name and the article posted. I think to myself, "Oh, this was a genius plan."
A little insane, I know. Although, I would go down in the record books for being one of the many Americans, one of the few Chicagoans who contracted Swine Flu.

On a lighter note, Barbie got a tramp stamp. Yes, that is how I am ending this.

Disclaimer: I really do not wish to contract Swine Flu.